she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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