Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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