I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
