You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
