Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
