i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
