he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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