i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
