there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That accounts for only three of the penises
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
