I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
