So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
