I just cut my nipple shaving
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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