well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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