The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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