there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
