i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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