he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
