I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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