She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I party with great urgency now.
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