i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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