I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
