If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
