I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
