Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
