Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
