i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
