We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
