you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
