I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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