someone threw a dead crab at me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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