Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
