did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Did I show you my penis last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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