This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
