its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
