It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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