My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is Oprah even human
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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