After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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