You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We named our party play list daddy issues
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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