Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
