I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
