That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
