When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
