i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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