the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
