you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
