I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
