my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
