don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
