He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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