Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
